did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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