You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
