I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
