got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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