Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Randomize
