your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
