Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
