If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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