Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
