I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
