He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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