I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
