I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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