Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
