did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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