apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Randomize
