His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
