If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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