I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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