I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
