I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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