doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
