I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
