I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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