He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
