turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
