Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
