I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
third nipple confirmed
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
