The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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