I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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