I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize