you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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