Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
