How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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