I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
