Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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