remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
