No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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