I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
