i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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