I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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