Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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