she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
