i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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