He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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