also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
