Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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