Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
