did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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