dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
