What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
