My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
