Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
