god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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