It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
